Very nice - I like the repetition here. Typically, repetition is avoided in renga (with so few words, why repeat when you can suggest), but I think here you've made it work really nicely, as it shifts from an imaginary crow to a real one. :-) Great work.
Lovely - great use of colour here, merging with sound. Keeps a slightly dreamy state between them, as if just woken up, before the world has fully solidified. Love it!
Hahaha - love it. Lovely sense of lightness and humour, but with a philosophical depth that emerges in the gap between them. Makes a really nice pair of ku, when rearranged into the 3-line variation;
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
crow,
even i consider
dawning
.
It's put a big smile on my face Thomas - thank you! :-)
My pleasure- it put a smile on my face too. (Btw have you considered doing a post of these various collaborations? It could be fun. You’re welcome to use my lines for that if you want to. I would imagine others would feel similarly. But it’s just a thought...)
:-) Cheers for the suggestion - great idea! - and offer. Yeah, I have thought about doing a post bringing them all together. Might do some more like this as well, and see what happens.
Incidentally, I realise I failed to comment on your adaptation of the lines. I had thought about doing it that way, as a mirror to your lines, but opted to respond as per your suggestion: two lines. Thinking about it, I was amused to think that the two lines had a touch of the Ted Hughes. Your three line adaptation is more balanced and light - perhaps philosophical too.
Cheers Rod! Really glad to hear :-) I've been studying haikai so long in private, it's a lot of fun slowly unfolding some of these things in a public way, and getting to share the ideas around. So it means a lot that they resonate with poets! :-)
Haha - well, confusion or not, you nailed it! Love this - continues the line of the hokku, and stays in an animated world of lateral connections: crowing humans, yawning suns, clawing horizons. Such vibrant images! Really love this Treasa. Wonderful. :-)
Lovely work April. I really like the expression "softens my wings" - very evocative. I can feel the warmth, as it pours in the window, onto the bed. And the double-work of "unfurling, stretching" which applies to both the dawn sunlight and the wings.
Love this LeeAnn - as it moves from waking, to the bed, to the cat :-) I can feel the stretch, and the warmth of the sun pouring in the windows. Lovely.
Beautiful Paul! Love the implication that the morning light of dawn is slowly stretching over everything, reaching into every corner and crevice, and that this is the source of song. Wonderful stuff.
I watched the crow's wings
Stretch halfway to dawn.
Very nice - I like the repetition here. Typically, repetition is avoided in renga (with so few words, why repeat when you can suggest), but I think here you've made it work really nicely, as it shifts from an imaginary crow to a real one. :-) Great work.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
i watched the crow's wings
stretch halfway to dawn
.
You are right. I liked the play on "crow", but the second line would be better as
stretch halfway to the sun
A longish line though!
Nice - yeah, I love the edit. Visually it doesn't feel too long, and still under 7 syllables :-) Works really well!
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
i watched the crow's wings
stretch halfway to the sun
.
Also had two variations come in through the email from haiku poet Carole MacRury, and they are both really lovely;
.
dawn,
even I consider
crowing
living this day as if
it might be my last
.
dawn,
even I consider
crowing
a bonus of eggs
from the hen house
.
<3
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
the blue bells chime in sync
with the sky—peaches blush
Lovely - great use of colour here, merging with sound. Keeps a slightly dreamy state between them, as if just woken up, before the world has fully solidified. Love it!
And I loved reading the different two-line responses from everyone else. Thank you for this, Dick!
Aw you are most welcome! Yeah me too - reading all the responses was the best!! Made me very happy. :-)
Crow. Even I
consider dawning.
Hahaha - love it. Lovely sense of lightness and humour, but with a philosophical depth that emerges in the gap between them. Makes a really nice pair of ku, when rearranged into the 3-line variation;
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
crow,
even i consider
dawning
.
It's put a big smile on my face Thomas - thank you! :-)
My pleasure- it put a smile on my face too. (Btw have you considered doing a post of these various collaborations? It could be fun. You’re welcome to use my lines for that if you want to. I would imagine others would feel similarly. But it’s just a thought...)
:-) Cheers for the suggestion - great idea! - and offer. Yeah, I have thought about doing a post bringing them all together. Might do some more like this as well, and see what happens.
Incidentally, I realise I failed to comment on your adaptation of the lines. I had thought about doing it that way, as a mirror to your lines, but opted to respond as per your suggestion: two lines. Thinking about it, I was amused to think that the two lines had a touch of the Ted Hughes. Your three line adaptation is more balanced and light - perhaps philosophical too.
Light filters through the trees
in orange and yellow colors
Love this Rod, and I think it caps the poem beautifully;
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
light filters through the trees
in orange and yellow colors
.
I really love your use of colour here - really lifts the poem, and fulfils the promise of colour in the hokku. Really nice Rod!
Thanks, Dick! I appreciate your posts and the detailed information you share. They’re very helpful.
Cheers Rod! Really glad to hear :-) I've been studying haikai so long in private, it's a lot of fun slowly unfolding some of these things in a public way, and getting to share the ideas around. So it means a lot that they resonate with poets! :-)
You’re doing a great job.
I am utterly confused but also intrigued.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
sun yawns
horizon clawing
Haha - well, confusion or not, you nailed it! Love this - continues the line of the hokku, and stays in an animated world of lateral connections: crowing humans, yawning suns, clawing horizons. Such vibrant images! Really love this Treasa. Wonderful. :-)
Unfurling, stretching
Sunlight softens my wings
Lovely work April. I really like the expression "softens my wings" - very evocative. I can feel the warmth, as it pours in the window, onto the bed. And the double-work of "unfurling, stretching" which applies to both the dawn sunlight and the wings.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
unfurling, stretching
sunlight softens my wings
.
the cat stretches long
toward the rising sun
Love this LeeAnn - as it moves from waking, to the bed, to the cat :-) I can feel the stretch, and the warmth of the sun pouring in the windows. Lovely.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
the cat stretches long
toward the rising sun
.
Thanks!
morning stretches out
nothing left untouched
Beautiful Paul! Love the implication that the morning light of dawn is slowly stretching over everything, reaching into every corner and crevice, and that this is the source of song. Wonderful stuff.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
morning stretches out
nothing left untouched
.
When the beat
Takes me
Love the directness here, and that you picked up the musical element. :-)
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
when the beat
takes me
.
Waves of spring arrive
The fragrance of hope
Omg - so sorry I missed this! Lovely work :-) I really like the phrases "waves of spring" and "fragrance of hope" - they feel fresh and vibrant.
.
dawn,
even i consider
crowing
.
waves of spring arrive
the fragrance of hope
.